TOEFL Academic Discussion: #7

editify01

Score
4.0

(25/30)

Total words

Speed

Radar Chart

Argument: 4

👍You presented a balanced view, acknowledging both the benefits and potential downsides of educational games.
👎While you provided good arguments, more specific examples of educational games could strengthen your points. Discussing specific games or studies related to screen time might enhance your argument.

Coherence: 4

👍Your paragraphs flowed logically and connected well to each other.
👎Sometimes, you could use additional transitional phrases to enhance clarity. Consider adding phrases like 'On the other hand' when discussing balance in screen time.

Grammar: 5

👍Your writing is grammatically correct with proper sentence structure.
👎There are no significant grammatical issues. Your use of varied sentence structures helps maintain reader interest.

Structural: 4

👍Your writing contains a clear introduction, body, and conclusion.
👎The transitional phrases could be slightly improved for better flow. You introduced the topic well, and the conclusion effectively summarized your viewpoint.

Vocabulary: 4

👍You employed a good range of vocabulary suitable for an academic discussion.
👎There is some repetition in your expressions; further variety could enhance your writing. Consider using synonyms for 'beneficial' or 'learning' to avoid repetition.

General Statistic

learningeducation, study, knowledge acquisition, understanding

gamesplaythings, activities, pastimes, challenges

canbe able to, may, might, could

childrenkids, youth, youngsters, minors

skillsabilities, competencies, capabilities, talents

Improve Suggestion

I believe that educational computer games for very young children can be beneficial are beneficial when used in moderation and with proper guidance used moderately with appropriate guidance. In today’s increasingly digital world, it’s important for children to become familiar with technology early on, as this will equip them with skills they’ll need throughout their education and careers. Games that teach basic math, reading, or problem-solving can make learning enjoyable and engaging, helping children develop cognitive skills while also having fun enhancing children's cognitive skills while having fun.

However, there should be a balance. Too much screen time can lead to negative effects, such as reduced physical activity or social interaction. Parents should ensure that these games are just one part of a well-rounded learning experience one component of a well-rounded learning experience that includes reading books, hands-on activities, and outdoor play.

Therefore, while I see value in educational games, they should be used thoughtfully to avoid over-reliance on screens to prevent over-reliance on screens. This approach helps blend the benefits of traditional learning methods with the advantages of modern technology the benefits of modern technology, making the learning process more dynamic and adaptable to the current era.

Improve Suggestion - Detail

Fluency

the very young children --> young children

Removing 'the' makes the phrase more concise.
Other options: the little kids / the young adults

can be beneficial --> are beneficial

Using 'are' instead of 'can be' provides a stronger assertion.
Other options: are helpful / are advantageous

helping children develop cognitive skills while also having fun --> enhancing children's cognitive skills while having fun

Replacing 'helping develop' with 'enhancing' makes it more dynamic.
Other options: fostering critical thinking while playing / building cognitive abilities while enjoying

parents should ensure that these games --> parents need to ensure these games

Using 'need to ensure' emphasizes the importance of parental involvement more effectively.
Other options: parents must ensure / parents have to ensure

Grammar

used in moderation and with proper guidance --> used moderately with appropriate guidance

Changing 'in moderation and with proper' to 'moderately with appropriate' improves clarity and conciseness.
Other options: implemented carefully / applied judiciously

to avoid over-reliance on screens --> to prevent over-reliance on screens

Using 'prevent' instead of 'avoid' provides a more proactive tone.
Other options: to mitigate dependence on screens / to reduce reliance on technology

which includes reading books, hands-on activities, and outdoor play --> including reading books, hands-on activities, and outdoor play

Removing 'which' streamlines the sentence.
Other options: comprising literature, interactive activities, and outdoor games / encompassing reading materials, practical tasks, and nature play

Vocabulary variety

the advantages of modern technology --> the benefits of modern technology

Using 'benefits' instead of 'advantages' adds variety to the vocabulary.
Other options: the merits of modern technology / the perks of modern technology

just one part of a well-rounded learning experience --> one component of a well-rounded learning experience

Changing 'just one part' to 'one component' improves vocabulary variety.
Other options: a crucial element of a comprehensive education / a single aspect of a holistic approach

makes the learning process more dynamic and adaptable --> renders the learning process dynamic and adaptable

'Renders' introduces a more formal vocabulary into the sentence.
Other options: makes education engaging and flexible / creates a dynamic and responsive learning environment

Question

Your professor is teaching a class on education. Write a post responding to the professor’s question.
In your response, you should do the following.
Express and support your opinion.
Make a contribution to the discussion in your own words.
An effective response will contain at least 100 words.

【Doctor Achebe】
Companies now make computer games designed to help very young children learn. The games are advertised for use by children aged 2 to 8 years and often involve basic math and reading skills, presented in a fun, game-like style. Some people say that this results in children spending too much time looking at computer screens. Do you think it’s a good idea for very young children to play educational computer games? Why or why not?

【Andrew】
I think it’s completely inappropriate for children as young as 2 years old to play what are essentially video games. Even if the games are educational, the same skills can be taught in traditional ways—by reading books to children, for example. And it would be beneficial to interact with their parents in this way.

【Kelly】
Considering how important computers are to human societies these days, I think it actually makes sense to allow very young children to explore them. And if the computer games that children play also give them early access to subject matter that will later be taught in school, all the better.

High Score Example

In today’s digital age, integrating technology, including educational computer games, into early childhood learning has become a prevalent topic of discussion. I believe that while there are merits to using these games for educational purposes, there needs to be a balanced approach to their incorporation into a child's routine. Firstly, educational computer games can provide interactive learning experiences that traditional methods may lack. Children are naturally drawn to technology, and utilizing engaging games can capture their attention, making learning enjoyable. When children are interested, they are more likely to retain information and develop a love for learning. Moreover, many of these games are designed to adapt to a child’s skill level, allowing personalized learning experiences that can foster development in areas like math and reading. However, I share some concerns regarding Andrew's perspective about the importance of traditional learning methods. While I agree that reading books and parental interaction are crucial, I believe that a comprehensive approach would involve both technology and traditional methods. Spending too much time on screens can lead to negative effects, such as reduced physical activity, poor social skills, and limited engagement with the real world. Therefore, it is essential to set boundaries and ensure that educational gaming is included as a part of a broader, balanced curriculum that includes physical play and interpersonal interactions. In conclusion, educational computer games can be beneficial for young children when used wisely. Balance is key - leveraging technology for learning while also promoting traditional methods can create a well-rounded educational experience. Such an approach fosters not just cognitive development but also critical social and emotional skills that are vital for a child's growth.

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